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Some people dont feel safe in love unless its complete, absolute, and unconditional. Others (me, for one) only feel safe in love when it isnt. I feel safest when I, and those who love with me, know that love can never be complete, absolute, and unconditional, that unconditional love is only unconditional under certain conditions. If those certain conditions can be relied upon to last a long time, then love can feel unconditional, but it never really is.

This kind of romantic pragmatism can apply not only to loving relationships but to all the things we love. The question we all face is how to love in a world where everything changes; how to embrace life even though you dont get to keep it. For me the answer lies in romanticynicism.

Romanticynicism is a commitment to both the romantics yearning for happily ever after and the cynics detachment and indifference. (Not haughty indifference. Thats a recent addition to what started out as a respected school of Greek philosophy that cultivated neutrality.) Its not a hybrid or blending of the two. Its an extended stretch into both the warm fuzzies of the heart and the cool rationality of the head.

Either romanticism or cynicism alone is dangerous. Romantics are easily hurt. Cynics are readily hurtful. Averaged theyre bland. People who are mildly romantic and mildly cynical are mild. But if you can yoga-stretch yourself into a deep commitment to the romantic and a firm commitment to the cynical, even though the tension imposes some pain and un-resolvability upon yourself, the resulting state is bittersweet, vivid, and true.

The Quakers say, Build to last a hundred years; be ready to leave tomorrow.

The Buddhists say, Though my heart is on fire, my eyes are cold as ashes.

A New york times editor said, Keep an open mind but dont let your brains spill out.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to act.

Shakespeare ends a dying mans love sonnet to his young lover, This thou perceivest, that makes thy love more strong, to love that well that thou must leave ere long. Stronger love, not weaker. To burn with love while knowing that it too shall pass.

To me, romanticynicism seems the only way to love safely, sanely, and generously. Generously because sometimes the most loving thing to do is to leave someone alone. True love requires a broad repertoire and the pragmatic flexibility to adapt to whats needed. True love cant be achieved with adoration aloneat least not these days.

These days humanity knows more about itself, more about the long view than ever before. Culturally, weve been around the block a few times. Weve seen all kinds of things. Our explanations are becoming more reliable and accurate. And because things are changing faster than ever, theres more evidence that what you love wont hold still for long. Its harder to be a pure romantic these days, believing we can cling to anyone or anything as if it will last forever. Even our sincerest beliefs wont hold still. Our loss of navet makes us conviction-impaired. Were naturally surrendering into the cynical, detached from what will soon disappear anyway.

Yet theres also more reason to be romantic. At least in rich countries, were accustomed to things going well. Our advanced market economy encourages romance, a belief that products, services, and people can make us happy ever after. Weve enjoyed reliable technological progress for long enough that we assume the ideal is forthcomingwhat isnt perfect now will soon be.

More reasons to hope; more reasons to be suspicious of hope. Our technological success has ingrained in us faith and confidence in the potential for happy endings, while our experience gives us more reasons to doubt that the endings we see will be happy.

Being torn between romance and cynicism is bound to feel unstable, but its also an admirably accurate way to interpret what life has to offer. Its like irony, the cultural movement whose motto is, No seriously, Im just kidding. Like irony, romanticynicism can be turned into glib escapism, as though a baldly stated paradox turns every utterance into nonsense. stretching to put a foot in both camps can be a recipe for ungroundedness. But firm footing in both makes for an honest, profound way of life.

Id recommend romanticynicism to anyone, but I suspect that it comes naturally to some of us and not at all to others. Some people simply seem born to either believe or disbelieve. And certainly some circumstances make it harder to be romanticynical than others. I suspect my temperament and circumstances conspire to make romanticynicism the obvious solution.

I know people who also think it is the obvious solution, but dont pursue it because their temperaments wont complypeople who by mid-life recognize the flaws in a purely romantic view of love but just cant help falling and then getting burnt and then falling and getting burnt again. They get sadder but not wiserand they know it but cant figure out what to do about it.

The jurys out on whether we can adapt to the ironic age weve created. Romanticynicism seems the adaptive frame of mind for it, but one that some of us just cant get to from here.

Heres the full Shakespeare sonnet:

Sonnet 73

That time of year thou mayst in me behold When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang Upon those boughs which shake against the cold, Bare ruind choirs, where late the sweet birds sang. In me thou seest the twilight of such day As after sunset fadeth in the west, Which by and by black night doth take away, Deaths second self, that seals up all in rest.

In me thou seest the glowing of such fire, That on the ashes of his youth doth lie, As the death-bed whereon it must expire, Consumed with that which it was nourishd by. This thou perceivst, which makes thy love more strong, To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Jeremy Sherman Ph.D. teaches life and social sciences, is executive director of the UC Berkeley Project on Emergent Dynamics, a program to develop a comprehensive theory on how purpose, goal setting and the pursuit of success emerged from a universe governed only by the laws of phyics and chemistry--a program to put goal-seeking behavior in a fully scientific context. Jeremy writes an article a week for the free e-newsletter and podcast "Mind Readers Dictionary: Tips for reading between the lines with greater comprehension."

Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D.
September 01, 2006
http://www.mindreadersdictionary.com
js@mindreadersdictionary.com

posted by 46124  # 1:22 AM